Hello Parents!

Welcome to this month's issue of The Parent Club!

This month, we're answering a question from a parent who asked:

"My son keeps re-checking everything around the house. Our bedtime prep has gone from 20 minutes to over an hour. All he says is that something bad will happen if he doesn't check. I want to make sense of these behaviors. Are these compulsions? Obsessions? What should I be doing?"

Let's Dive Into This - 

When we think about child anxiety, we usually picture worries about tests, making friends, or fears of the dark. But anxiety can also appear in more puzzling ways—through repeated, intrusive thoughts (which are obsessions) and behaviors (which are compulsions).

Children feel they must do these compulsive behaviors to feel “safe," comfortable, or reduce the distress the obsessive thoughtis causing.

We're going to answer three questions:

1. What obsessions and compulsions are

2. How parents can spot them

3. How to use imagination to practice responding to anxiety differently

Understanding Obsessions & Compulsions

Obsessions

What They Are: Unwanted, intrusive thoughts, worries, or images that pop into a child’s mind and cause distress or fear.

Examples: A child might repeatedly worry something bad will happen if their backpack isn’t zipped “just right,” or they might have a persistent thought that they’ve touched “dangerous germs” on a doorknob.

Compulsions

What They Are: Actions—either physical or mental—that a child feels compelled to do to relieve anxiety from an obsession.

Examples: A child might need to re-zip their backpack multiple times before leaving home. Or they might repeatedly wash their hands or wipe surfaces if they believe they’ve touched something “contaminated.”

How They’re Connected

• An uncomfortable thought or image (obsession) sparks anxiety.

• The child performs a certain behavior (compulsion) to make that anxious feeling go away.

• Relief from the behavior is often immediate but temporary—soon, the anxiety returns, and the cycle repeats.

Spotting Obsessions and Compulsions in Your Child

Because children aren’t always able to explain what’s happening in their minds, you might notice behaviors before they can describe their worries. Here are some signals:

Repetitive Behaviors

Example: Your child taps a table three times before sitting down or asks the same question repeatedly (“Are you sure it’s locked?”).

Excessive Checking or Asking for Reassurance

Example: Needing to check the front door multiple times to ensure it’s locked, or repeatedly asking, “Is it safe to touch this?”

Prolonged Routine

Example: Getting ready for bed takes an excessively long time because every step has to be done in a certain order or repeated.

Avoidance

Example: Your child refuses to touch certain objects, like library books or playground equipment, or avoids situations like birthday parties or gatherings.

Here’s a Story

Imagine a child named Evan who worries about “invisible germs.” He gets stuck on the intrusive thought that his hands might be contaminated, and he repeatedly washes them to feel better. Each time the “germ worry” (obsession) pops up, the handwashing (compulsion) temporarily soothes him—but the worry soon returns.

How Using Imagination Can Help

Imaginary Coping is a strategy where your child imagines or visualizes encountering their feared situation—without actually doing the compulsive behavior. This helps them learn that anxiety can rise and fall naturally without relying on the ritual to feel safe.

How to Do Imaginary Coping

Explain It Simply

Let your child know that we’re practicing facing their worry in their imagination. It’s like a “practice run” for the brain.

It's important that your child understands the reasoning behind the imagination - to help cope with the anxiety.

Start Small

With Evan, we might start by having him imagine he’s touching a doorknob that he believes is “germy.” He pictures touching it and notices the thought, “This is dirty.”

Stay With the Anxiety

Encourage your child to notice any uncomfortable feelings (like a “butterfly” stomach or clammy hands) without reacting. Remind them this is safe because we’re using imagination.

Resist the Compulsion

During the visualization, Evan will practice not washing his hands. He imagines wanting to wash, but chooses to wait. You might set a timer for a minute or two.

Use Calming Tools

Teach them slow breathing or relaxation techniques to manage the discomfort. For example, Evan might close his eyes, take four slow breaths in and out, and remind himself: “I can handle this feeling. It will pass.”

Reflect on the Experience

• Ask: “How did the worry change over the time we imagined it? Did you notice it came down, even a little?”

• Children often discover that the anxiety gradually decreases on its own, without needing to carry out the compulsive behavior.

Why It Works

This approach teaches the brain to take a healthier approach in responding to anxiety.

When a child sees they can tolerate anxiety without performing a compulsion, the cycle of obsession and compulsion can begin to fade.

Tips for Parents

Offer Reassurance Balanced with Encouragement

• Validate your child’s anxiety (“I know this feels scary”) while encouraging them to try Imaginary Coping (“Let’s practice together and see what happens to the worry.”).

Create a Step-by-Step Plan

• Break down scary or “trigger” thoughts into smaller pieces, and tackle them gradually.

Praise Effort Over Outcome

• Celebrate when your child makes an attempt—even if they still feel anxious. Focus on the bravery it took to try.

Bringing It All Together

Let’s return to Evan, our example child who fears germs:

Before: Evan repeatedly washes his hands whenever the thought “I might get sick” pops up.

Using Imaginary Coping: He now regularly imagines touching “germy” items, acknowledges the anxious feeling, practices mindful breathing, and waits before washing his hands.

Outcome: Gradually, he learns his worry (obsessive thought) can calm down without the washing (compulsive behavior). Over time, he learns to respond differently to the same anxious thoughts.

Insight of the Month: The Search for Certainty

One powerful way to understand why anxiety can feel so overwhelming is to recognize that it often demands absolute certainty.

When anxious thoughts pop up—“What if this is unsafe?” or “I might get sick if I don’t wash my hands just one more time”—they push us to find concrete, guaranteed answers.

Children may attempt to “fix” these worries with repetitive actions (compulsions) that bring a temporary feeling of certainty: “If I wash my hands again, then it’s definitely clean.”

But here’s the catch: total certainty is almost impossible to achieve, and trying to get there through rituals can actually magnify doubt over time.

Each time a child seeks to eliminate even the slightest possibility of a negative outcome, the anxiety loop continues.

Recognizing this pattern is a big step toward helping your child.