Anxiety in children is often a complex cycle, reinforced by well-intentioned responses from caregivers. However, research shows that effective anxiety management is not about simply removing anxiety triggers but about building resilience and empowering children with coping skills. This step-by-step guide will help you support your child in healthier, more effective ways.

Step 1: Recognize Your Unhelpful Behaviors

The first step is identifying behaviors that may unintentionally fuel your child’s anxiety. These behaviors often fall into two types: protective and demanding.

• Protective Behaviors: These actions aim to shield your child from distress. While essential in genuinely threatening situations, protection can become unhelpful when there’s no actual danger. For example, if your child constantly worries about illness, taking them to the doctor repeatedly can signal that they need protection from a non-existent threat, reinforcing their anxiety.

• Demanding Behaviors: This involves expecting your child to "brush off" their anxiety, which doesn’t address their real, valid feelings. It's crucial to recognize that something anxiety-provoking for your child may not be anxiety-inducing for you, but it still feels real to them.

Step 2: Identify Unhelpful Accommodations

Anxiety often leads parents to change their routines or behaviors to prevent discomfort for their child. These changes, or accommodations, can range from answering repetitive questions to avoiding certain places. While well-meaning, these accommodations often prevent children from learning that they can face and manage their anxiety.

Consider the following questions to identify accommodations in your daily routine:

• Do you do certain things solely to reduce your child’s anxiety?
• Have you tried stopping certain actions but felt compelled to continue?
• Do you avoid activities or places because they might trigger anxiety in your child?

These accommodations may ease your child’s anxiety temporarily, but they also reinforce avoidance, ultimately increasing anxiety over time.

Step 3: Recognize How You Are Accommodating

Pinpointing specific accommodations can be challenging. Here’s how to start:

1. Identify Actions You Take: Look at behaviors you engage in to help your child avoid anxiety. For example, maybe you answer questions on their behalf or make extra efforts to keep the environment predictable.
2. Identify Actions You Avoid: Sometimes, accommodations involve not doing things you’d usually do, like avoiding social events or limiting your child’s exposure to potentially uncomfortable situations.

Step 4: Create a Support Plan

A support plan provides an alternative to accommodation and allows you to assist your child without feeding their anxiety. Your support plan should include:

• Acknowledging their anxiety: Validating their feelings shows you understand their fears without adding to them.
• Expressing confidence: Show them you believe in their ability to handle their anxiety.
• Using supportive phrases: Try saying things like, “It’s okay to feel nervous. I know you can handle this.”

Step 5: Choose One Accommodation to Reduce

Start by selecting one accommodation to phase out. This controlled approach helps your child gradually adjust without overwhelming them. Choose an accommodation that will have a manageable impact and feels feasible for both of you.

Step 6: Develop Your Main Plan

Creating a main plan involves answering key questions about your selected accommodation and how you’ll implement the change. Here’s an example:

Imagine parents whose child becomes anxious about routine changes. Their child needs detailed daily schedules to feel at ease. To break this cycle, they create a plan that gradually reduces their reliance on providing schedules, eventually encouraging flexibility when unexpected changes arise.

Step 7: Communicate the Plan to Your Child

Once you have your plan, it’s essential to share it with your child. Explain the “why” and the “what” of the plan, showing them that while this might feel uncomfortable at first, it’s all part of helping them build coping skills.

Final Thoughts

This method is rooted in resilience-building, equipping your child with strategies to confront their anxiety rather than avoid it. By making gradual changes and supporting your child through each step, you empower them to build lasting skills that promote emotional well-being. Remember, reducing accommodations doesn’t mean reducing your support—it simply shifts the support to help your child learn they are capable of managing their anxiety.